Between Want & Fear (Backstage Series Book 3) Read online

  Table of Contents

  Prologue

  Ryan

  Kierra

  Epilogue

  The Backstage Series

  Playlist

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Stalk Me

  Also by Dani René

  Between Want & Fear

  Backstage Series Book #3

  Dani René

  Copyright © 2017 by Dani René

  Published by Dani René

  ISBN: 978-0-639-90010-0

  Cover Design: Raven Designs

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

  The following story contains mature themes, strong language, and sexual situations. It is intended for adult readers.

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in the work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owner.

  Dedication

  To those of you too scared to show your true self to someone, don’t be. For those who have ever felt, not good enough, don’t. We’re all perfect in our own unique imperfections.

  Never be afraid to let you heart beat. Never be afraid to smile at that guy in the coffee shop, to take a chance and say hello. Don’t ever let your fear overrule your want. That girl on the sidewalk waiting for the bus, might be waiting for you.

  Emotions. Feelings. Affection. Love.

  Allow it to take you. Envelop you. Make you feel real.

  It’s not easy, but it’s so damn worth it!

  Contents

  Prologue

  1. Ryan

  2. Kierra

  3. Ryan

  4. Kierra

  5. Ryan

  6. Kierra

  7. Ryan

  8. Kierra

  9. Ryan

  10. Kierra

  11. Ryan

  12. Kierra

  13. Ryan

  14. Kierra

  15. Ryan

  16. Kierra

  17. Ryan

  18. Kierra

  19. Ryan

  20. Kierra

  21. Ryan

  22. Kierra

  Epilogue

  The Backstage Series

  Playlist

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Stalk Me

  Also by Dani René

  Choices. Decisions.

  There comes a point in everyone’s life where they stare at the road ahead, a path that leads two ways. To fulfill your aspirations, or to follow the direction that’s set out for you by somebody else. Whether it’s your family, or a partner.

  My choice came almost ten years ago when I turned twenty-five. I left home and everything else behind for a chance at stardom. To fulfill my dream. But nothing prepares you for having to make a decision at the fork that lies ahead of you in your lifetime. When you need to decide—left or right.

  I don’t have a family anymore. They didn’t understand me needing to live my own life and work toward something that I longed for. Isn’t family expected to support you and your dreams no questions asked? Mine didn’t. They expected I would follow in my father’s footsteps, to become a lawyer. That was instilled in me from a young age. I wasn't asked what I wanted to do. I had been instructed as to what I had to do. To take over the family business and instead, I packed a backpack, grabbed my guitar and walked out.

  All the possessions that he threatened to take away—all the cars, houses, holidays—everything I grew up with is now gone. Until two brothers gave me a chance, they gave me the family that had so easily left me to fend for myself. They supported not only me, but my dream, making sure I surpassed my expectations and succeeded.

  Ten years later I find myself sitting in the studio working on our newest album and I still can’t believe that I made my dreams a reality. All those things my father ripped from my life, I don’t need, because now I have more than I ever did before and it sets my soul at ease. Most importantly, happiness.

  Glancing up, I look at the girl that stole my heart ten years ago when I first walked into the audition. Callum’s assistant, Kierra Thorne. Beautiful, feisty, and so goddamn sexy she has no idea how much my life changed since I met her. Although both Hayes brothers learned about my feelings for her a long time ago. It’s only recently at Callum’s wedding that I finally took a chance and kissed her. Needless to say the kiss turned into one incredible night. She fit so perfectly in my arms. I fit so perfectly inside her body. But, that’s where it ended.

  We didn’t even have a chance to start before she told me that we’re better off friends. The only problem is; I can’t just be her friend anymore. I’m done sitting back, accepting the friend-zone bullshit. Not when I know how good it feels to have her body against mine. To see her face when she finds pleasure in my touch. I want her and after talking to Cal and Liam, knowing they support our relationship, I will make sure she doesn’t walk away.

  She’s about to leave for the airport and I am driving her there because that’s what friends do. I’m prepared. This time I will tell her everything she needs to hear and when she steps on that plane she’ll know my true feelings.

  The month she’ll be at home will give her time to think things through. If she fights me on this, she better be ready for a war, because I am not giving up on her. I know her emotions run deep, as deep as mine, and she’s going to have to get over her fear because I am not going anywhere. My heart hurts as I watch her grab her bag, shrug on her jacket, because she’s flying thousands of miles away and I’ll feel her absence. It will be the furthest we’ve ever been from each other and for this reason, unease settles in my gut. But she will come back to me.

  She will be mine. I will make sure of it.

  Why?

  Because I’m Ryan fucking Callahan.

  “Are you ready Ki?” Glancing at her, I can see she’s nervous and I can’t help wondering if she’s not happy to go home, or if she’s just going to miss us. My heart wants the latter, but for some reason I know it’s about her family. Granted, she’s never spoken about them much, all I know is that her mom passed away years ago and she grew up with her dad playing the part of both parents.

  “Yes, I just need to check on Tay before we leave.” She leaves me with a shy smile and heads to the office. Since Tayla fell pregnant, Callum has been watching her like a hawk, it’s sweet, but I can tell that she’s had enough. She’s going to be taking over Kierra’s job for a while, handling the admin for the band, but we can all see she’s bored out of her mind.

  My best friend’s wife is a doer, she needs to be active, running around after the crew, making sure the sound techs are doing what they need to. For her to sit idle in front of a computer screen must be driving her stir crazy.

  “You go
ing to tell her, man?” Turning to find Liam, I nod. We’ve had this discussion, he knows how I feel and has been pushing me to make my move for years, but each time I try, she pushes back. I wanted to respect her feelings, to allow her time, but this is where it ends because she’s mine. “There’s no time like the present, brother.” He chuckles leaving me glaring at his back.

  Since Emma agreed to marry him, he thinks he knows everything about relationships. When I turn back to Kierra, I can’t help but agree with him. There is no time like the present and today that woman is going to know exactly how I feel.

  When she steps up to me, the scent of her perfume engulfs me, dragging me into her orbit. It’s as if she’s already a part of me, inside my bloodstream, keeping my heart pumping. “I’m ready,” she murmurs quietly, she’s normally feisty, but at the moment, her body is tense and all I want to do is take her to the music room and slide into her, easing the tension from her body.

  Grabbing my keys, I glance at the entrance to the kitchen. “Be back in a bit,” I holler and Liam gives me a salute as he sips his coffee. Other than that he offers me nothing more. There’s not much to say, I slept with my best friend, I’ve seen her naked and the vision is ingrained in my mind. I’ve loved her for as long as I’ve known her. Fear has always been something that’s held me back. With my music. With her.

  Following Ki up the stairs to my Range Rover, I push the button on the key fob to unlock the car. She’s been in my passenger seat so many times, but somehow this feels different. It is.

  I lug her suitcase into the trunk and round the car. Once I’m in the driver’s seat, I glance at her. There’s so much emotion in her eyes I want to lean in and claim her lips, but she asked for friendship, which I’m giving her, for now. When we arrived back from Callum and Tay’s wedding, she told me she couldn’t promise me forever. I thought right then that we were over, but all she said was she needed time. I could give her time, but eventually, that will run out then she’ll no longer be able to hide behind those high walls she’s put up.

  That night, I went to bed and my heart hurt, it was a physical ache that I never want to feel again.

  With Liam’s help, I’ve got a plan. We’ve set up all my tracks over the past few weeks and I’m not needed for a while, which leaves me with much needed time off. And what Ki doesn’t know is that as soon as our last show is over, I’ll be following her stubborn ass. She needs support and I’m going to give it to her.

  Since she refused using Callum’s offer of the jet, she’s booked in first class on a flight that will take her far from Los Angeles, but I’ll be right behind her. One month. That’s all the time she’s getting. Even though it’s going to kill me, I’ll respect her wishes for time. After that month is up, I’m going to get her. I don’t care what she says.

  If I told her I wanted to accompany her, she’d refuse, so I’m having to do it this way. I’m done sitting back watching her from the sidelines. She’s mine, and I’m going to lay my claim. This woman will be bound to me for life.

  She’ll wear my ring, take my name, and be mine forever.

  Whatever she’s hiding, she should realize I’m not leaving, not walking away.

  I know I love her, I’ve known it for a long time and to have her up and leave is not an option. “Are you looking forward to going home and seeing your dad?” I question as we weave through the traffic.

  “I suppose so, there’s not much there for me anymore, but there are things I need to…” Shaking her head as if ridding it of a bad memory, she continues, “there’s unfinished business that I need to get through and my father is going to help me. He’s…” She cuts a glance to me and I can feel her stare burning into the side of my face with an intensity of a flame. Whenever she looks at me I feel every emotion she’s trying to convey. I wonder if she realizes that we have such an innate connection.

  “He’s?”

  “Nothing. I will be back soon. Things will be easier once I’ve done this,” she whispers on a sigh and everything in my head screams at me to stop the car and force her to tell me. But Kierra isn’t a push over. She’s a stubborn woman and if I so much as show any forcefulness for her to give more than she’s willing, she’ll shut down even more.

  Dragging my gaze to hers, I find sadness marring her beautiful face. Her wavy hair hangs over her shoulders, it’s a rich chocolate with golden highlights. She had it done for the wedding and I love how the lush color shimmers when she shakes her head, or the light catches it just right. Her normally teal eyes shine with a soft gray-blue today and it looks like the sky on a cloudy day.

  Her lips are soft, plump, and glossy. She doesn’t wear make-up, but she dabs a shimmery gloss on them which makes them look like edible candies. And God knows I’d love to taste them again. “What will be easier, Ki? Me and you?”

  The eagerness in my voice doesn’t go unnoticed.

  “Ryan—”

  “Sorry, I just thought—” I wave my hand, but she interrupts me.

  “It’s okay, I don’t want to promise you something that I may not be able to keep.” It’s in that moment I know how it feels to have your heart ripped from your chest. Because her words do just that. They settle with a heaviness in the car and I swallow the lump in my throat.

  A woman has never made me cry.

  A woman has never made me beg.

  And a woman has never made me love.

  But she has and since we’ve finally had our one night, she’s leaving, and fear tugs at me that she may never come back. That is the one thing that I know would destroy me. Because as soon as she boards that flight, she’ll be taking my heart along with her. And I know, I have no choice in the matter, because she owns me. She has ever since I first laid eyes on her.

  We drive in silence because I can’t say more. The lump in my throat threatens to suffocate me. Choking me, cutting off all the air, the same air that’s thick with emotion so malevolent it’s like a force swirling around us.

  When people tell you love is dangerous, they’re not lying. Love hurts, but deep down, I’m not giving up on her, so the pain will only last so long. Once I’m in Australia with her, she’ll forget everything that’s ever hurt her, she’ll know I’m serious. And that’s what I’m vying for.

  Having to lie to Callum and Liam wasn’t easy. Telling Tayla and Emma the story I fabricated was difficult. But to look into Ryan’s dark eyes, telling him something so far from the truth hurt me more. I know by keeping this from him for now won't hurt him. The only thing I didn’t lie about was that I couldn’t promise him forever. Not yet anyway.

  As I step onto the plane, I’m escorted into first class. Cal made sure he upgraded me so I had the best seat. My flight from Los Angeles to Hong Kong will be shorter than I expected, and then I fly on from Hong Kong to Sydney.

  With a soft sigh, I settle back, and glance out the window wishing Ryan was here. The need to wave goodbye tugs at my heart, but to be honest, I’m not sure I want to say the fateful word. Even though he drove me to the airport, we didn’t say it, all we promised each other was a see you later.

  I doubt I’ll be back for a while. With all the doctors’ visits I need to do, I’m both scared and apprehensive. There are things I ran from, now it’s time to figure out what I want to do. A decision I put away, hiding it in the back of my mind, but I realize it’s unavoidable now.

  There’s another thing that scares me about going back, and that’s seeing the man who hurt me beyond compare. The only thing I’m looking forward to is seeing my dad.

  When I left, he was the only person I missed, the one man I’d love and trust forever, besides my brothers for all intents and purposes, Callum and Liam. Then there’s my love for Ryan. The thought startles me, but it shouldn’t. There's no doubt I love him, I’d fallen for him since he ambled into the interview that day. When he smiled, my heart leaped into my throat. I blushed. The girl who was more tomboy than princess blushed for a boy in his ripped jeans and tatty T-shirt. The one with the guitar and a
talent on the keyboard.

  Watching him play is hypnotic. His fingers know where every key is without needing his brain to tell them where to go. The melodies he creates either tug at the heart, or make you want to dance, sway, and just enjoy life. That’s Ryan. The joker of the group. But in his heart, he holds love and happiness, so infinite you can’t imagine seeing him angry.

  As the plane takes off down the runway, I imagine walking into the house and seeing my dad. It's been too long, getting to give him a cuddle is what I’m looking forward to. I’ve missed him over the years. When I first left, it was difficult. The hardest thing I’d ever had to do. So much so I spent day in and day out on the phone with him. My bill is generally through the roof, but just to hear my father be strong for me was enough to push me to live my life. He always told me how proud he was. How I was just like her.

  My mother.

  Closing my eyes, I rest my head and let sleep overtake me.

  The sadness that wracked me today was more than I could handle. After finding out about my mother’s illness, I knew it would one day come, the choice I had to make. How can I choose something that will forever change my life? I’m only twenty.

  As I walk into the house, I flip on the switch and drop my bag on the table in the hallway. We’ve just moved into this apartment. It’s bigger than I wanted, but Josh said he could afford it. He has a well-paying job, but he’s spent more time at his office than he has at the apartment.